I'm used to being alone at home. When I was a kid, my mother and dad would work all day and I would watch TV most of the time or play I guess; I've forgotten about what I used to do besides watching TV and drawing, I don't remember much of my childhood until the moment when things got pretty bad. My dad is still very ill but now I know he's not dying soon, at least not because of this (because we never really know). He's been in his room most of the day and I've been in mine as I've done it for years. I remember asking for table games for Christmas as a kid so my parents would sit and play with me, but it never happened that way; even when I actually got those games, I'd try to play by myself (Twister is impossible) or wait until I was with a friend, because they couldn't make some time to play with me. So now that I'm 23, it's very weird for me having this man at home. I care about him a lot, and of course I love him, he's been a great dad but he doesn't say anything like "hey wanna watch a movie?" or "there's this show on the TV..." or "let's have a little talk, come here". When I get home from work, I sit with him on his bed to ask how he's doing and see if there's anything he needs, but I don't know how to act around him. When I was a teenager, I tried to change things by suggesting we should watch a movie or go somewhere but it didn't work. Instead, I became used to being by myself and letting him do whatever he wants. I suppose he does the same with me.
It's funny that after all this time I've been through many kinds of loneliness and it still hurts sometimes (I enjoy it too though). I'm sitting in the kitchen, poking at the boiled fish my aunt brought us, while thinking about how lonely it is not having siblings, but in a way I had never done before. If I don't let my friends know that my dad is very ill and I'm scared to death of him dying or being unable to live his life the way he's used to, they won't know because they aren't here in this house. When I mention what's going on, people have no idea what it feels like, because they have siblings or another parent alive, or they are very close to other family members. This bald man who makes bad jokes and lifts weights every single night is ALL I HAVE. The friends I've picked as brothers or sisters will never be the same, no matter how much I love them. They can get an idea of how I feel, but knowing that the rest of the world can't understand it 100% (unless they're going through the same thing) is very frustrating at this moment. Today I feel isolated, in a completely different dimension. Today I'm invisible.
sábado, 7 de octubre de 2017
lunes, 2 de octubre de 2017
How I almost lost it all last week
I'm an only child. When I was twelve years old, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died when I was fourteen. During those two years, I was forced to grow up and forget about being a kid in order to help my exhausted father (who barely managed to work all day and get a couple hours of sleep) take care of her when I arrived from school, everyday. By the time she died I wasn't the same, but after some years, I think I became a normal teenager, kind of.
My dad married my mother being almost twenty years older than her, which means that he could be my grandfather. Most people don't notice because he's in great shape, he works out every single night and lost the little tummy a man of his age would usually keep. He's a very strong, hardworking person, he's also very kind and sometimes overprotective, trying to do all by himself. At least that's how things used to be a week ago.
A week ago, he became very ill and we thought it was due to eating a taco we left in the fridge for a couple days. He couldn't eat properly and was very weak. He even stayed home for an entire day, something he never does, it doesn't matter if he has the flu. That's when I knew something was very wrong but I didn't want to think about what could happen yet. Another day passed and suddenly, his lower back was causing him a lot of pain. When I got home that night, he wasn't there. He had gone to see his friend who is also a doctor because he needed help. They came to the conclusion that the problem was in his kidneys. When he got home and told me that, I could only think about how I would manage to take care of him if things got worse. I'd probably have to quit college and get another job, what if he needed a kidney transplant? of course I'd give him mine but how could I manage to work like that? and how would I take care of him all by myself? He's all I got. What if I lost him? There are so many things I don't know how to do yet, I'm not even close to being a real adult, I felt useless compared to him, so dumb and weak. Powerless. It was as if the entire world was crumbling down right on top of me. But no matter how worried I was, I could never let my dad see me crying, that would only make things worse for him. I managed to do the things he does at home, only allowing myself to cry at night when he couldn't hear. I hadn't been this scared and lonely in such a long time. This was my worst nightmare, or that's what I thought.
Today he got his blood tested and other stuff. He has an infection and his kidneys hurt a lot but he's going to be okay. He's very ill, resting in bed, barely eating but he's getting better and that's all I wanted to hear. I couldn't care less about my birthday getting closer, I couldn't care less about halloween or having to cancel plans with my friends. What happened to my mother isn't happening to him and I couldn't be more relieved. Now I realize that I can't take things for granted ever again and I promise to take out the garbage more often when he gets better.
My dad married my mother being almost twenty years older than her, which means that he could be my grandfather. Most people don't notice because he's in great shape, he works out every single night and lost the little tummy a man of his age would usually keep. He's a very strong, hardworking person, he's also very kind and sometimes overprotective, trying to do all by himself. At least that's how things used to be a week ago.
A week ago, he became very ill and we thought it was due to eating a taco we left in the fridge for a couple days. He couldn't eat properly and was very weak. He even stayed home for an entire day, something he never does, it doesn't matter if he has the flu. That's when I knew something was very wrong but I didn't want to think about what could happen yet. Another day passed and suddenly, his lower back was causing him a lot of pain. When I got home that night, he wasn't there. He had gone to see his friend who is also a doctor because he needed help. They came to the conclusion that the problem was in his kidneys. When he got home and told me that, I could only think about how I would manage to take care of him if things got worse. I'd probably have to quit college and get another job, what if he needed a kidney transplant? of course I'd give him mine but how could I manage to work like that? and how would I take care of him all by myself? He's all I got. What if I lost him? There are so many things I don't know how to do yet, I'm not even close to being a real adult, I felt useless compared to him, so dumb and weak. Powerless. It was as if the entire world was crumbling down right on top of me. But no matter how worried I was, I could never let my dad see me crying, that would only make things worse for him. I managed to do the things he does at home, only allowing myself to cry at night when he couldn't hear. I hadn't been this scared and lonely in such a long time. This was my worst nightmare, or that's what I thought.
Today he got his blood tested and other stuff. He has an infection and his kidneys hurt a lot but he's going to be okay. He's very ill, resting in bed, barely eating but he's getting better and that's all I wanted to hear. I couldn't care less about my birthday getting closer, I couldn't care less about halloween or having to cancel plans with my friends. What happened to my mother isn't happening to him and I couldn't be more relieved. Now I realize that I can't take things for granted ever again and I promise to take out the garbage more often when he gets better.
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