It was December when I got to work one day and a friend told me about what happened to O. Of course, knowing someone I knew in person and was friends with at some point of my life died, was a big shock by itself. It was painful and sad but I could have never known the impact it would have over me and the decisions I would make.
It was finals' week and I was printing one of my final projects when another friend of mine sent me an article. It was about how O. died, it was about his suicide; now I was sure that it was suicide. I remember standing there telling to myself "not now" just to avoid making a scene in front the store's employees, so as soon as I was ready to go, I hurried inside the mall I needed to go through in order to get to the bus stop. The entire mall was covered in Christmas. I saw happy families, giant gifts everywhere and children taking pictures with Santa Claus, all while listening to happy songs about how good it is to be together during the holidays... but what about O.'s family? what about O.?
O. wouldn't have a merry Christmas ever again and I was pretty sure his mom and his brothers wouldn't have it that year (if they ever could have one someday). The entire world seemed to melt in front of my eyes, it was like watching a movie screen, it was all made of cardboard. Love, happiness, friendship, it all seemed fake, all of that would never be enough, no cure would ever exist. And I wondered "Is this what O. was feeling? Is this why he left? Can I see what he saw and made him want to go away?". The mall seemed to never end for a moment; it probably took me around 5 minutes to walk across it with cold sweat on my back and my legs shaking but I felt the world mocking me for hours. The moment I got out of there, I tried to keep walking under the dark of the night but how could I? how could I keep breathing in a world made of cardboard? how could I ever keep going? and I felt tears burning my face while choking, still trying to walk through the empty parking lot until I fell down and sobbed without anyone around me. I knew life would never be the same, that even if the rest of the world seemed to be working perfectly with a young man hanging himself somewhere, I could never have a cardboard life. Those hot burning tears, kept rolling down my face the entire way home, also weeks before, during nights when I finally got home and even now, months before whenever I remember that night.
It's July but that winter never ended for me. I keep trying to believe in love and friendship, and find beauty all around me, sometimes even getting excited over small things, but I can't help wondering sometimes... will it ever be enough again?
I can't forget about that article, which was mistaken about his age, he wasn't 22; actually, he was 23 when he passed away. I'll be 23 in three months.
