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domingo, 16 de abril de 2017

Lost boy is lost. How unexpected.

I'm in a weird position here. So far, I know I'm a boy and that seemed enough for a couple hours after talking to a therapist about it, it made me very happy to realize that I had been sure for a long time and just playing dumb for different reasons. I am a transgender male.

"But now what?" people always ask. You see, I thought that if the time finally came and somebody were interested in me, the questions would be about my name, nouns, how and why. Reality consists of people asking about my body. They all want to know about surgery, will I get it? how many? when? what about hormones? and I don't blame them, as long as they ask nicely, because I think of all that too sometimes about other people (I just rather keep my mouth shut). Truth is, I'd like to try hormones but I won't be doing it yet, maybe not until I move out from my dad's house and not because he will kick me out, but because I don't feel like explaining this to him; I thought I was forced to explain myself from the point I realized I'm not the pretty girl others think I am, and there I was, panicking about when I should tell people until a friend told me that I don't have to explain myself if I don't want to, that if I wasn't dating these people, it was ok to stay quiet. It's not like we're about to have sex and then I tell them "Oh by the way, I'm a man so now you're having gay sex, love lol". I like being transparent, but I guess I can keep a couple things to myself too.

I have to keep in mind that I'm not my body, that this is only the house, the person I am is living in. And it's ok to be a man with amazing hips and legs (I don't mind that at all), I only have to get used to the idea that some men also have breasts and learn not to hate mine. It would be great if one day I woke up and they weren't there, but I doubt it happens, so I have to live with it at least until I am ready to get surgery, if I am someday.

Now I keep questioning myself. When should I make it public? until I'm using hormones? until I live far away? should I even wait? No, fuck it. Today... or not? What about family? what about teachers? what about my boss? Should I post it on facebook and watch the world burn?

But the biggest question of all is: What the fuck am I supposed to wear if I want to go swimming? well... that doesn't happen often anyway, I'll have to wait a couple years more.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBxuq_eWW94